You And Vinny

Uh oh. There you are again. I warned you last time but you never listen. How many shots of Patron did you do tonight? How many cosmos and glasses of white wine did you sip until the problem started occurring? You were such a sweet intelligent girl and then BAM, all of a sudden you’re Courtney Love. Your breath smells terrible as you scream and butcher the words to Rihanna’s Only Girl in the World. You were cute and innocent and now all of a sudden you keep saying “mothafucka” and throwing up gang signs. Stop using the N word you aren’t black. How much do you weigh? 110? You thought you were cool keeping up with the others but you obviously have to reassess your tolerance level. Oh no, don’t go up on the bar please don’t…..I told you you would fall. Now your knee is bleeding. You smell like perfume, hairspray, sweat, and blood. Stop pulling on that guys shirt and falling all over him. You’re 24 and you need a babysitter. Nice underwear. Ok lets find your friend because she has your car keys. Wait a second, you have car keys?!?! No you are not going to be fine stop saying that. Where is your phone? Great… its dead. Who did you come here with? You really forgot all of your friend’s names? I can tell they really care about you by letting you tweek out in corner like this. Wow, you just puked. I feel bad for that guy with the baggy jeans and button down over there who’s about to make out with you. Oh no, this is an actually really important person to know and you’re slurring all of your words and telling stories that don’t even make sense. Can’t you see that he’s forcing a smile and trying to get his friend to pull him away from you?! You are actually a beautiful girl, but your intoxication is very unflattering. I understand you want to go out and have fun but you are turning into that girl that no one wants to go out with. Who is this guy you are getting in a cab with?! Can you hear me at all any more? Your mind is now black like the ending of the Sopranos. You are not even going to learn from this experience because you need to remember your mistakes in order to learn from them. Tomorrow you are going to reek of cigarettes, Jim’s cologne, latex, and regret. One day you will listen to me. I’m done now. See you next weekend.